Sharing Saturday #4

4 Feb

So I am going to share something with you today that I have not really outwardly shared much. I know people who are in similar situations understand – we just know.  I feel that I have to write about this one so that I can get it out and not have it rolling around in my head all the time right now.

Nick is deploying. Again.

It never used to be a huge ordeal. I mean it was just me. No kids. I obviously worried and missed him and waited for the phone call or email every single day.

Then we had Abby on his mid-tour leave in 07. I had a baby to keep me busy and occupy my time. I could have something new and exciting to tell Nick about with every phone call. I was okay as there was just me and someone who needed me.

Now I have a 4-year-old Daddy’s girl, and a 2-year-old who is very emotional. Both will have birthdays while he is gone. One will have her first day of school. I will have a 4-year-old to answer to when there is no phone call every night or daddy’s kiss every morning. Last night she cried when she realized she hadn’t talked to daddy and he was just at work 15 minutes away for a 24 hour shift. My 2-year-old cries for daddy randomly. Meaning it is out of the blue you won’t realize she was sad.

I am scared. I am scared that mainly I will not be able to keep my children healthy (mentally), happy, and “normal”. Will I be able to deal with the questions that come? How can I sooth a daughter who just wants her daddy? Can I be both to them? Will they really understand the situation? Will they start to run over me when I am tired and ready to cry? Am I strong enough for this one?  Maybe if I could have still been in NC? I know I cannot do anything about the what if’s so I need to keep those thoughts out of my head.

I do believe that God doesn’t hand us anything we can’t handle, and he is always trying to make us stronger. I also believe that we were supposed to come to AK and Nick was supposed to deploy. I just don’t understand it all right now. Or I may never.

I just hope that I can find the strength at the toughest times to get through whatever is going on without any fear in my mind that Nick is coming home. I know that is an awful thought, but it is the nature of the business I guess you could say.

I knew what I was signing up for and I knew he would leave us. I get it. I have always tried to be very positive about the military. I mean I can’t change anything that happens, and just when you think you have it figured out it changes. I know this. I understand this. I am not one of those obnoxious military wives who is a complete and total bitch because her husband is – “OMG Deploying? You have got to be kidding me!” Yeah….so not me.  I will also never wear his rank (I don’t know what they all look like anyways) so I just show them all respect. I don’t bitch at any and everything because I have been slighted once. I am not that girl that you all think us military wives are. BUT I can say I do know who those are. I will not be one of those. I cannot be one of those.

I just hope that through the upcoming months I can find the strength to remain positive and not be scared. Like I said, I have done this a couple of times before – but this it totally different. Kids make all the difference in the world and I hope that I can make a difference to them at this point in their life. Especially now.

I share with you my weakness today in the hopes that it will make me stronger.

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4 Responses to “Sharing Saturday #4”

  1. DragonLady February 4, 2012 at 8:53 am #

    I just cried. You probably aren’t strong enough, but God is. 🙂 And you have friends who love you and will be praying for you even though we can’t physically be there for you. *HUGS*

  2. Petra February 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

    And I know Nick is thankful you are not a stereotypical military wife, because Andrew is super thankful that I am not (I don’t understand the wives that get angry with their husbands for deploying – as though they had some choice in the matter!).

    God will give you the strength you need. Read James 1 when you are questioning things – God will use this to make you a stronger woman, a better wife, a better mother, and to give you more faith and patience. The kids will Skype with Nick (don’t be dramatic about it around them, act like it’s no big deal – part of life – and they’ll follow your lead. Pretend you have peace about it even when you don’t. That worked for me in the past. I just talked to the kids about the cool stuff their dad was doing, and they were proud of him, and they wrote him letters), and after a few weeks, you’ll sink into a new routine. As you know, the anticipation is the worst part (and the first week after they leave!). Hang in there, my friend! You’ll be just fine.

    Love you, and I’m praying for you all! 🙂

  3. CRYSTAL February 5, 2012 at 8:33 am #

    Sending tons of love & prayers your way! We love you guys and we are sooo very thankful to you, Nick, the girls & ALL of our military and their families for the MANY, MANY sacrifices you guys make for us! ❤

  4. Connie s March 4, 2012 at 12:28 am #

    Molly I have known you for quite sometime and I know you will do great. Your bond with this girls will be so much stronger as a result. Just keep in mind that sometimes you don’t have to be the strong mommy. You are entitled to have a cry every now and then. I am sure your girls wouldn’t think bad of you if you held them tight and you ALL cried together. Love and miss you.
    Connie

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